Sunday, March 11, 2012
The calm before the (awesome) storm
I've always considered myself to be a positive person and I try to have a generally sunny disposition, but knowing that tomorrow morning I will be admitted for my first clinical trial for the artificial pancreas project has me all but bursting!! I'm staying in a really charming bed and breakfast about a mile from the hospital and I've spent the past hour pacing back and forth across the room packing and unpacking and pretty much just going into a borderline neurotic organizing fit. Of course dad doesn't seem phased by me one bit, but then again he watched me grow up, so this probably seems pretty normal. It's just what I do to help me cope when I'm nervous or anxious or excited, and tonight I happen to be all of those things. Tomorrow I get the first break from managing my diabetes since I was diagnosed. When you have a disease that affects pretty much every part of your body, it's always on your mind even when it's not mealtime. If my sugar is high I can feel it in my blood, my whole body hurts. And if my sugar is low sometimes I lose parts of my vision (kind of like when you stand up too quickly and things go black for a second) in addition to shaking and just feeling terrible. And when any of this happens, I know it's up to me to correct it. Its up to me to do the calculations of insulin and carbohydrates, to check my sugar every 20 minutes to make sure it's moving in the right direction, and to keep myself alive. It's not easy. And honestly I can't remember a time when this wasn't how my life just is, but tomorrow I finally get a break. The technology exists to take that weight off my shoulders, and even just knowing that is an incredible feeling, but I get to go beyond that and actually EXPERIENCE it. It's only for about 30 hours at a time, but that's all I need. The hope that this trial gives me let's me know that I only need to keep doing what I do every day to manage my diabetes for a little bit longer, but not forever. If I get any sleep tonight it will be a small miracle because realistically I'm much too excited to sleep, but tomorrow is a big day and sleep or not I know it's going to be great.